I have waited long enough....
I have shared so many fun things on this page...... Some heart breaks.... Some life struggles.... Some happy times... and mostly memories that I didn't want to EVER forget.
But there is something that I have yet to share with you all.
I haven't shared my struggles.
I haven't shared a deep down sadness, frustration, and downright non glorified time in my life.
But I am going to do it now.
As I type this I have a huge smile on my face... my heart is warm inside and I'm finding myself being the happiest I've ever been in my life. Those are some words that I could have never said four years ago.
Rodeo cowgirls, most of them have a favorite brand of jeans.....I loved the brand Cruel Girl... they had THIGH room.... you know for all of us girls who DO NOT have a THIGH GAP..... but at the time I was in a SOLID PANIC... I couldn't find them past a size 15..... and obviously I was NEEDING a 17!!
I was getting ready to go to the Women's Ranch Rodeo Finals and I was going to get myself some new jeans. But guess what the 15 didn't fit anymore. And I remember sitting there in the dressing room thinking to myself ......."maybe if I get these pants starched they'll grow enough"...... But they weren't going to grow the amount of growth that I needed to make them work.
That was just one day, just one day in a dressing room finding me at my saddest moment.... and so many other emotions that I can't even relay. Sad, mad, disappointed in myself.... But it didn't stop there.
That is something that I faced every single day when I walked into my closet. Clothes that I dreamed of wearing again, things that I used to wear that made me feel awesome.
You see I wasn't always fat, I hadn't always been overweight.
In high school I was athletic.... I was thin... I was a rodeo queen for goodness sake. I was anything and everything far from fat, overweight, and or the dreaded word of "obese".
Then life happens... motherhood comes upon me. And I just found a weight that I could not handle. Up and down up and down with 50 lb. Gain it. Lose it. Gain it. Lose it. The struggle was real.
There are some good times and there are some bad times in that. Feeling low self-worth is horrible... BUT on that day..... in May.... I had an opportunity slap me in the face.
A chance...a system.... a product. I hated to admit that maybe this is what I needed. Surely... I'm a super independent woman. I can do anything I put my mind to. I can rope a cow. I can ride a bucking horse if I really had to. I can keep a clean house. I can raise two kids. I can sew. I can cook. I can drive a tractor. I can back up a trailer. I can cut a bull's nuts out.
Why in the world could I not handle my own body. What the hell? Maybe I just needed a little help.
So I jumped on it, I gave it a try.... yes I swallowed that BIG old PILL they call PRIDE.... I gave that system a try.... I gave a scam a try.
192. That number is significant to me. That number happens to be the actual weight that I checked into the hospital with BOTH of our kids.... Yes 9 months pregnant and full of baby!!!
And the number 192 comes back to haunt me once again. That is the weight I checked in before I started this system of HOPE. But this time I didn't have a living human growing in me, which was my excuse for being overweight.
So I took off on that journey to find a happy me, the confident me, the me that I longed to give my husband back ...the me that my kids have never gotten to see, the me that I've missed for all these years.
So what did I find????
I found hope. I found a friendship. I found unity. I found a desire to be that girl Chris had fallen in love with many years ago.... you know that girl before kids... before life.. before the sadness of being OBESE.... you know the girl that didn't have a muffin top controlling her every move!!
And I was starting to feel like that girl, before I had the 64 pounds to lose.
My original goal was to get to 150 pounds.... so that I could wear any kind of pair of pants I wanted to any rodeo..... and they didn't have to be starched. But I blew right past that. I was so confident and so happy and eager to continue in my journey.
I ended up losing a total of 64 lb. Down to 128 pounds. That is the me from high school. The girlfriend that my husband fell in love with. The woman that has been locked in this oversized obese body for years.
I am her.. I am out of prison. I am out of depression. I am out of all the ugly things that I've ever faced in my life. Whether that is self-conscious judgmental friends, or anything in between.
It wasn't always awesome.... it wasn't always amazing.... but it has been a journey. All the hills and valleys, and the flats in between. There were days that I cried because I've sat around a group of people and watched them eat junk.... after junk.... after junk. Wanting to be in that circle. Wishing that I could be the girl that could eat whatever she wanted and stay the perfect size. But the very next morning when I slipped on my jeans put my belt buckle in a whole new smaller hole.... and rode a horse in a smaller saddle for the first time in years....... it validated all my hard work and dedication!!!! Saying "no thank you" to all those cupcakes.... doritos ....ice cream sandwiches.... and anything else that I thought I really wanted.
,So I have shared so much on my blog from family's deaths to happiness, sadness, gold buckles and funny stories.... but I have never shared this.
Reason I'm sharing this is because..... somewhere there is a gal that is reading this and I have just read her book of her life out loud to her.
She is probably still sitting in a pile of tears.
She might even have a cupcake next to her.
Not that she wants to eat the cupcake to be fat, but she wants to eat the cupcake to make herself feel happy.
Somewhere out there ....somebody is going to read my stories and they're going to read the trials... the temptations.... the sadness ... the happiness...... They're going to read it and this is going to make a difference in their life.
So hold on tight grab your kleenexes..... grab your running shoes ....or setback with a hot cup of coffee. This is just the beginning of My Revolution!!!!